We were never meant to be, Baby we just happened.

I’m falling apart in your hands again. I know I should have expected it. But I don’t know if you can ever really be ready for your future to blow up in your face. That’s what happens when you break up. Your future, a neatly mapped out path full of plans, vacations, holidays, memories waiting to be made, just turns into a blackhole. Boom.

I am not quite sure where my boyfriend went. I was thinking about putting up “Wanted” signs, but I didn’t know what to offer for a reward because I wasn’t really sure I wanted him back. Certainly not in the condition he ran away from me in.

Do guys keep their dark sides from us on purpose? Do they try to hide it and put on their best behavior until they get you hooked then they can slowly start being the real them? Or maybe it’s me…maybe I am blinded by beginnings. Maybe I am just still that 16 year old girl who wants to save the world, one boy at a time.

Either way, he abandoned me. My best friend is gone. That was the best part about him…I actually liked him. I liked being with him, I liked confiding in him, I liked giggling with him. It was the only person on this planet that I have ever enjoyed that much. It’s something a girl can get used to ya know?

It kills me to know that I was fine before him. I was so happy being alone, I did not want a relationship, and I was doing things to better myself. But then I met a boy, who made me happier when I was with him then when I wasn’t. And that boy talked to me about our future together and I felt something funny start. I liked it.

I don’t know what happened. I just know it is gone.

You know when you wake up from a nightmare, and you're sweating and breathing heavy and terrified that it's real?  That moment when you realize it was all just a nightmare and your body relaxes, your heartbeat calms, and you can take a deep breath.  That moment is so sweet.  I feel exactly the opposite.   I feel like this relationship, this entire person, was all just a dream.  It ended so abruptly, so out of nowhere, that's the only explanation for it.  I feel like I am waking from a dream to a nightmare.  I wake up in the morning and then I remeber, and I gasp for air and I cry.  That's no way to wake up every morning.  But the realization stings every time.  All I want to do is go back to sleep. 

Baby this is tragic.  Cause we had it.  We was Magic.

101 Small Pleasures to enjoy everyday

I love this list of small pleasures, I found it when looking for things to put on my 100 Things to Do in 2010 which I started last March.  I will be posting my list on here soon, but for now look over this one.  It has some sweet things on it, good to have around for a bad day.

http://shine.yahoo.com/event/makeover/101-small-pleasures-you-can-enjoy-every-day-1125425/

Some of my favorites:

-Coloring (yes, grown-ups can do it, too)
-Crisp cotton sheets (Mmm, clean sheets are the best)
-A genuine compliment (giving or receiving)
-A handwritten letter (I love sending "snail mail" it is such a welcome surprise amidst all the junk and bills)
-A home cooked meal (Even better if you make it yourself, I find cooking to be relaxing and rewarding)
-A bubble bath (I suggest the addition of candles and a good book and you've got yourself a good evening)
-An afternoon nap (I could use one now)
-The wind in your hair (Driving with the windows down in great weather and listening to great music, singing at the top of my lungs)
-Treating the person behind you at the drive-thru (Selfess and sneaky)
-Puppies (Nothing is better than a puppy.  Nothing.  The loose puppy skin, the sweet puppy breath, the little puppy kisses, and the sleepy puppy cuddling. If I am having a bad day and I see a puppy, nothing else matters.)
-Root beer floats (A treat I rarely think of, but so easy and so fulfilling)
-Holding hands (My favorite, just feels good to have someone hold your hand)
-Fireflies (I really wish we had these here because seeing fireflies for the first time in Iowa as a teenager was one of the purest moments of absolute joy that I have ever experienced, complete with squeals and giggles)

Rainy Day

Today was a hazy, rainy, chilly day.  We put on our sweaters, grabbed our umbrellas and took a walk to the Hungarian Pastry to have some chocolate croissants.  It was a cool place; dark, quiet and artsy.  We stayed for a while and had some great conversation.  Afterwards we walked over to St John the Divine cathedral which was right around the corner, it was absolutely gorgeous.  The detail on the architecture is beautiful and it was so huge and spacious inside.

I got my mexican food fix at lunch today.  We did a lot of eating and sitting around haha.  It was also very good, I have been eating well here.  Looks like I'm bringing a little New York home with me in my love handles.

This evening we went to Stephanie's church, it is called Redeemer.  It was a nice church, but it was warm inside and rainy outside and I had to try very hard to keep my eyes open, but the cookies were delicious (:

We made our way to see Toy Story 3D afterwards, at the same theater that Carrie went on her first date with Burger in Sex and the City!  The movie was adorable, we had a lot of fun. 

Picked up some sushi, watched Seinfeld, and now headed to the market to pick up something for my sweet tooth.  Tomorrow is my last full day in New York!  It is a good thing I rested up today because I plan on doing a lot of walking tomorrow.

Chillin' at Central Park

Layed low today, didn't have any plans, so we spent a lot of time walking around some different neighborhoods.  I love walking through the city, there is so much to see and so many types of people.  I even found a sign that said: Keep Calm and Carry On...just like my tattoo!

We took a sheet and our books to Central Park and layed in the grass under a big tree on the Great Lawn.  The weather was amaaaaaaaaaaazing today.  Absolutely perfect.  It felt so nice to be outside, Steph's friend met up with us and we ended up sitting there for a couple hours just people watching and chatting.  It was a great way to spend the afternoon.

We went by Strawberry Fields on our way out of the park.  It was pretty cool to see it in real life.  Then we hit up Shake Shack for some yummy cheeseburgers!

InBetweens

Last night Steph and I got all dolled up to go out to the East Village!  We did a little toasting at the apartment before we hit the town, and it was instantly clear that it would be a good/crazy night. 

We went to a placed called Phebe's to meet up with her friends that were there.  They left pretty soon after we had arrived, so it was just the two of us but no worries, we made friends.

After our eventful night at Phebe's it was about 4:00am and we decided we were hungry.  So we put on the flip flops we had stowed in our purses (smart gals) and walked over to Tom's Restaurant, the Restaurant from Seinfeld.  It was insanely tasty and I am pretty sure it saved me from a massive hangover this morning.

Fun times last night and exactly my reasoning for staying in tonight and watching Harry Met Sally!

ChinaTown

Another wonderful day, of course.  I slept in until about noon, then Steph and I ate our leftover pasta from Carmine's for lunch while watching Sex and the City in the city!  For some reason, it made the show so much more fun (:

After that I ventured out to Central Park for a bit.  She lives a few blocks away so it take barely any time to walk there.  Central Park is gigantic and I had absolutely no idea where I was.  I found a nice garden and some lakes and chilled for a while then headed back to her apartment.  I am excited to explore more on Monday. 

We took the subway to China Town, which was...interesting.  It was like crossing into a different country.  Our mission was to find some cheap designer purses.  Let me tell you, it was no easy feat.  When you walk down the street little Asians are saying to you under their breath "You want bags? Coach, Gucci, Chanel..." Then if you stop and say yes they get very serious demanding that you follow them.  We tried this a few times, first time we followed the guy a couple blocks then he waved us away because he saw a cop.  Eventually we found this rocking little Asian lady with what looked like a crimped mullett.  She lead us beside a building where she pulled a laminated paper from her pants with pictures of purses on it...very strange.  We found some we liked, haggled for a long time, started walking away, haggled some more, and finally agreed on a price.  They disappeared, brought our bags out and we gave them the cash.  The whole experience was very secretive and felt a little like the Asian Mafia.  But it was a success!

We also stopped at a Donut shop called Donut Planet which was amazing.  Steph got a Peanut Butter donut filled with jelly and I got an amazing chocolate one.  They also had carrot cake and some other spectacular flavors. 

We also stopped at MoMA (Museum of Modern Art) which I loved.  It was a really nice musem and had some awesome exhibits.  If I have time I might go back.  But our stomachs were yelling at us and it was time to get some food.  Tried some Halal food...chicken and rice and some interesting sauce, it was delicious. 

Hitting the town tonight! Check ya later!

If I can make it here...

I feel kinda like a travel pro because I made it from LaGuardia airport to Manhattan taking a bus by myself like a big girl, it even went through Harlem, haha.  Met a nice Austrian man who was in Haiti for an NGO he is a representative for, he was really friendly.  Actually, most people were, it was nice. A couple people saw he had a map and asked him if he needed help finding anything.  I found the stop easily and was feeling pretty good. However, my travel savvy didn't seem so special when I met up with Stephanie; she walks around the city like she owns it!  Not to mention the fact that she probably saved my life like three times tonight by stopping me from walking into oncoming traffic.  

We started the evening off right when I arrived with a Coors Light toast then off to Broadway.  Steph got us tickets to see La Cage Aux Folles.  We were in the front row of the box seats and it was awesome.  The box seats made us feel a bit like Abraham Lincoln, I wish I would have remembered to pack my top hat.  The show was incredible.  A bunch of burlesque drag queens, Kelsey Grammar, and a hilarious actor named Douglas Hodge who had us giggling all night.  So much fun!

After the show we walked through Times Square which has changed a bit since I was here five years ago.  They now have part of Times Square blocked off from traffic so that pedestrians can just wander everywhere across the streets.  I think it is a great idea.  An ever better idea was the FOUR STORY Forever 21 that they have in Times Square now.  It was insane and overwhelming, and surprisingly I made it out with only one shirt! 

We stopped at Carmine's, a well-known Italian restaurant, for dinner at 11:30pm (only in New York) and the cook came and flirted with us which was pretty entertaining.  Steph said blondes are rare in  NYC so she expects us to get a lot of attention.  Haha, I guess I am okay with that.  The cook brought our meals out to us, meatballs and linguine, and afterwards came to offer us kisses, the Hershey's kind (:

Had a great first night in the city.  Looking forward to my first full day tomorrow!

Ready Freddy!

Vacation in 4 HOURS!  I can't wait!  I am going to New York to visit Stephanie.  I am so excited to go back.  I have only been once and I was not 21 yet and it was hot as hell.  Hopefully the weather will be nice for some lounging around in Central Park, and hopefully I can stagger around the streets in my heels at 4a.m. and buy a bagel to soak up some of the alcohol in my belly (:

Saw Machete last night.  It was a great movie, insanely violent but very entertaining and it certainly sent quite a message about immigration, especially considering the atmosphere in Arizona right now.  Michelle Rodriguez looked absolutely amazing, when did that happen?  Lindsay Lohan looked like an idiot.  Surprise, surprise.

Hurry up 5:00! I've got packing to do!

Going the Distance

Saw a movie last night with a cute boy.  Our choices were Machete and Going the Distance...tough choice actually.  But, I was in the modd for something light and we ended up seeing Going the Distance.  The cute boy probably helped but I really loved the movie.  Christina Applegate stole the show, she was so hilarious.  I have always liked her but I don't remember ever thinking she was that funny. Go see it!

I had a great weekend.  Spent some time with Ms. Stephanie who I will be visiting in New York City in 2+ days!  I am soooooo ready!  Also, spent a lot of time with the cute boy, met some awesome new people, went to Oregano's with my parents, saw my cousins, and got a little tipsy.  Not too shabby.

Tonight, I will pack and spend some time with Paully Bleaker! holla.

It's not you, it's me (but really, it's you)

Loved this part of Eat, Pray, Love that I read today, I feel like this pretty much sums up my dating past.

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching their highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have held on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism. " --Elizabeth Gilbert

I always seem to get stuck on these little glimpses of good character that men show me occasionally and then I seem to glaze over the fact that the rest of the time they aren't what I want at all.

Treasure

At work we have a cleaning crew that comes in the afternoon and works through the night.  As usual with people who hold these types of jobs, they are very under appreciated and are often the hardest workers in the company.  There is a woman I see almost everyday in her mid to late 50's and from South America, and she is probably the sweetest person you could ever meet.  She practices English with me and asks me to write down new words for her so she can remember them. 

Last Friday I wrote an e-mail to her manager about what a fantastic job she does.  It is obvious that she really cares about doing well instead of just doing the bare minimum.  She is always so friendly and willing to go the extra mile.  You can just tell that she has a truly beautiful soul.

It is a nice feeling to let someone know when they are doing a great job instead of just letting people know when there is a problem. 

When she came in to work today she thanked me profusely for the letter I had written and in her broken English told me that I am her treasure and that she keeps me in her heart.  Made my day (:

Eat, Pray, Read

Most likely you have heard of this book by Elizabeth Gilbert, and if you haven't then you probably live in a remote village similar to the one she lived in on the island of Bali. 

I have always had this urge to go against the norm and to shun what is popular and this book is huge right now.  But as much as I hate being part of the trend I cannot deny the fact that I adore this book. 

It is the most beneficial self-help book I have ever read, so honest and relatable.  The best part is that it is not even really meant to be a self-help book, but it most definitely is for me.

I am in the middle of the Love section and it is just as great as the two preceding parts.  I loved the Eat part of course, what's not to love? Dark, handsome men, pizza, pasta, Italy.  Perfection.  I have to admit that I was not really looking forward to the Pray section of the book mostly because I thought it would be really heavy, but wow...it has really changed me.  Gilbert does an amazing job at explaining her experience at the ashram in India and admitting her challenges.  This section of the book offered so many morsels of wisdom and joy and has really piqued my interest in meditation and the Hindu religion. 

There are many inspiring quotes in the book but one of my favorite parts is a little mantra that she shares with us and says that she says it to herself at least 70 times a day: I will not harbor these unhealthy thoughts anymore. This phrase might just change my life. I have said it to myself over and over since first reading it last week.  I say it when I am dwelling on negative experiences, obsessing over poisonous people, worrying about the future, and overall just feeling sorry for myself.  Once I say it, the thought is gone and I focus my energy on to more positive forces in my life.  I made a commitment to myself to get rid of all poisonous relationships that I was holding on to and vowed that only positive people who respect me will make it into my life from now on. 

Now if only World Market would stop selling an Eat, Pray, Love bucket hat like the one worn by Julia Roberts in the movie, then I could be proud of this little gem instead of ashamed by the trend of it all.

Harry, Butterbeer, Hogwarts ...Oh My!

A few months ago I met a guy online who shares some mutual friends with me. We talked everyday and became really close, well as close as you can get over the phone and internet. I decided to go visit him in Orlando where he was going to school. I had never been to Florida before and had some pretty beautiful images in my mind, I was dying to go to the new Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios in Orlando, and I really wanted to meet this Dream Guy in person who I was sure would prove that love at first sight is real. Well, thank goodness we had Universal Studios. One out of three ain't bad.

First of all, I have always been a Disneyland girl and have never been to Universal Studios before. We got the park hopper pass and it was well worth it. I loved both parks a lot, the rides were really fun, and both of the parks just looked really awesome. Universal is huge, there is a ton to do there and a lot of shops and restaurants to enjoy.  Some of the attractions were a little cheesy (Twister) but for the most part it was all really unique, there was a 3D ride for Spiderman and The Simpsons that were really cool but a little nausea-inducing.

Unfortunately, it was pouring rain as soon as we got out of the car. I mean POURING. Some wise people brought ponchos, others bought them, and my date for the day decided that 8 dollars was too expensive for a "garbage bag" and made the choice for us to go sans ponchos. Two seconds in the rain and I looked like I had jumped in a lake. Being an AZ native, I am not used to rain like that, I am used to little raindrops not buckets of water being thrown on my head. I was a little pissed at his cheapness (I mean, I did pay for a plane ticket to fly across the country after all) and after I was already drenched he decided maybe ponchos would be a good idea. Duh.  I am pretty sure he wantedit to be like a romantic movie where we run around in the rain and giggle, but my shit was see through and I was not happy.  But I figured out a way to turn the Bitch in me off and I proceeded to have a fun day. 

NOT MY BEST LOOK

Anyway, the Wizarding World was amazing! With the gray, cloudy sky it felt even more legit, like I was actually stepping into Hogsmeade. It was crazy busy, but that was expected. Butterbeer was incredible, soooooo tasty...I am totally craving it right now as I write this. It tasted like Creme Soda with a Butterscoth Cream. Totally refreshing. Also, the strawberry peanut butter ice cream was so unique and definitely a Must Try.  And the Fish n' Chips were decent...but, I've had better.  And I swear I did more than just eat all day.

HOGSMEADE IN THE EVENING TWILIGHT

The Harry Potter ride was indescribable. I have never had more fun on a ride or been more fascinated...a sentiment many shared as we were exiting the ride. It was so much fun, I went on it three times and saw something new every time. The technology was absolutely breathtaking and exciting. I also went on the dueling dragons coaster which I also loved immensely, but it is not really anything special like the other ride.  But for me it was a big step because I am a giant pussy.  I was saying my prayers before I got on the ride and honestly trying not to cry haha.  But, it was such a blast, made me feel high, and I got a lot of cussing out on the ride so that was probably a good release.

AT THE ENTRANCE OF HOGWARTS CASTLE FOR THE HARRY POTTER RIDE

All in all it was a great day. Universal Studios defnitely saved my Orlando Trip. The rain cleared up after a bit, but we did bust out our ponchos a few more times. My advice to you is to cough up the 8 bucks and just buy a poncho if it is raining. And go on the Harry Potter ride more than once!

ZONKO'S JOKE SHOP

PostSecret

If you have never heard about PostSecret, it is about damn time you check it out.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

People send in their secrets on a postcard to this guy and he puts them on his blog. It is a very honest and moving project.

Here is a link to a blog that put up some old PostSecrets, on the actual PostSecret blog I can only figure out how to see recent ones.

http://secretsarchive.blogspot.com/

These are some of my favorites:

Reading is good for your soul

Augusten Burroughs is the most amazing writer. I love his books. He makes me laugh, which is such a gift. Do yourself a favor and read his memoirs.

Here is a poem I recently found that I absolutely love, enjoy:

The Archipelago of Kisses

We live in a modern society.
Husbands and wives don't grow on trees, like in the old days.
So where does one find love?

When you're sixteen it's easy, like being unleashed with a credit card in a department store of kisses.

There's the first kiss.
The sloppy kiss.
The peck.
The sympathy kiss.
The backseat smooch.
The we shouldn't be doing this kiss.
The but your lips taste so good kiss.
The bury me in an avalanche of tingles kiss.
The I wish you'd quit smoking kiss.
The I accept your apology, but you make me really mad sometimes kiss.
The I know your tongue like the back of my hand kiss.

As you get older, kisses become scarce.
You'll be driving home and see a damaged kiss on the side of the road, with its purple thumb out.
If you were younger, you'd pull over, slide open the mouth's red door just to see how it fits.

Oh where does one find love?

If you rub two glances, you get a smile.
Rub two smiles, you get a warm feeling.
Rub two warm feelings and presto-you have a kiss. Now what?
Don't invite the kiss over and answer the door in your underwear.
It'll get suspicious and stare at your toes.
Don't water the kiss with whiskey.
It'll turn bright pink and explode into a thousand luscious splinters,
but in the morning it'll be ashamed and sneak out of your body without saying good-bye,
and you'll remember that kiss forever by all the little cuts it left on the inside of your mouth.

You must nurture the kiss.
Turn out the lights.
Notice how it illuminates the room.
Hold it to your chest and wonder if the sand inside hourglasses comes from a special beach.
Place it on the tongue's pillow, then look up the first recorded kiss in an encyclopedia:
beneath a Babylonian olive tree in 1200 B.C.

But one kiss levitates above all the others.
The intersection of function and desire.
The I do kiss.
The I'll love you through a brick wall kiss.
Even when I'm dead, I'll swim through the Earth,
like a mermaid of the soil, just to be next to your bones.

Jeffrey McDaniel

The last stanza is the most beautiful thing to me. I hope that if I ever get married, that my wonderful husband-to-be will let that be a part of our wedding ceremony. It is amazing.